P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:16:22        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  I'm sitting in my flat and things are getting hot/It's winter outside, but inside it's not/DK's on the TV with his giant monkey thumbs/I'm sweat, sweat, sweating on my big bongo drums. No dear reader, these aren't the lyrics to Ricky "Way Hetero" Martin's latest Latino opus, but a little ditty I just made up about Donkey Konga's effect on my health-deprived corporeal form. Oh man! The monkey's got me all sweaty! ——————————————————————————————————1/8—— by Revolving Ocelot GET THE HOTTEST TONES FIRST ITV p355 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:17:16        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  How many ways do I keep fit? Let me count the ways... Walking to toilet (1), walking back from toilet (2). After one particularly long journey back from my outdoor water closet (a word of warning: don't pet badgers), I sat down to play a spot of Konga. On "Gorilla", because - yes! - I'm great. Except I wasn't. I was a mess of mistimed handclaps and bongo hits. My forehead was moist. My pits: smelly. ——————————————————————————————————2/8—— Latest gaming news 376 Make your mobile cool Visit the PhoneZone ITV1 p590 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:17:43        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  Donkey Konga, this supposed "jungle boogie game" had tricked me into a third w!y of exercising. Flabby biceps were now tight, tight like bongo skin. Tricked again. Konami was the first to deceive me, lulling me into a false sense of security for years with gems like Parodius, Castlevania, Silent Hill, and Metal Gear Solid (ha!) before making me do the unthinkable. They made me dance. Dance! Like a fool! ——————————————————————————————————3/8—— Latest DVD reviews 313 GET THE HOTTEST TONES FIRST ITV p355 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:17:59        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  I should have seen it coming a mile off. "So you step on these arrows, right, and if you do well you get to dan... the next level. Look - it's got a high score table and everything!" So I hopped on the gaudy Dancing Stage. Before long, I was able to bop along to Japanese techno like a burning spider. My skills were honed, my legs were... toned? It was an unholy alliance - fun and exercise were united. All was lost. ——————————————————————————————————4/8—— Speak your mind: readers' letters 379 Want to know what your child wants for Xmas? See p370 to find out how! GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:18:26        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  I ran from the arcade and cried all the way home. Games were for hastening the onset of terrible backache and chronic arthritis, not promoting rosy cheeks, mucus-free lungs and sinewy limbs. I vowed to remain hunched in front of my TV forever more; there was no way I was going to be tricked into breaking my vow of immobility. Never. Uh-uh. No. Soon after, I was flailing around like an idiot once more. Damn you, EyeToy. ——————————————————————————————————5/8—— Reviews Round-Up 377 POLYPHONIC RINGTONES SEE p662 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:16:12        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  It wasn't meant to happen, but the tiny camera hit every narcissistic nerve in my body. I was powerless to resist DK. Fortunately, the novelty of gazing upon myself as I beat off ninjas and danced to (spit) Moloko eventually wore off, but the damage - or, rather, the physical reparation - was already done. Before I could become a total Adonis, I ventured to a forest retreat and... Oh, it's no good - I love it all to bits. ——————————————————————————————————6/8—— Latest gaming news 376 WANT THE LATEST JAVA GAMES? SEE p679 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:16:16        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  The more perceptive of you out there will no doubt have spotted the liberal application of artistic licence (lies) in my Donkey Konga tale - the games are all good friends of mine. I actually love the fact that I can keep fit without entering the elitist, repetitive world of Das Gym. Why should gaming and exercise be kept apart? Also, I've never touched a badger and I have a fully functioning indoor toilet. ——————————————————————————————————7/8—— GameCentral index 375 TURNER THE WORM p394 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids
P376 Teletext 376 Dec11 23:16:18        ———————  ———————————   LET'S GET PHYSICAL  Take my advice - break up those buttock-numbing GTA sessions with a few bouts of physical gaming and prepare to save on those Fitness First fees or, if you're a bit younger, slack off in PE. Of course you could always experience the "joys" of having a "motivational" personal trainer with the "upcoming" EyeToy: Kinetic. Be made to feel like a tubby loser in your own home. Wow! Until next time, fatties.... ——————————————————————————————————8/8—— e-mail us: gamecentral@teletext.co.uk TURNER THE WORM p394 GameTest Charts TV Guide Kids