P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:05514             1/12 Capricorn Dec 21-Jan 19 It may have been something to do with that new lager/bitter/ cider drink on special offer at the Put It Inn last .ight, bht try as yoh might you just can't get the phrase 'kick my arse' out of your brain. Unfortunately it starts spilling out of your mouth as well, and a 'kick my arse' sign mysteriously appears on your back without you knowing (unless you read this, of course). What comes .ext? Just desserts... sore jacksie. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:01:12             2/12 Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 17 You meet a beautiful girl, flirt spectacularly with her at the vicar's tea party when she tells you she£s tHe vicar's daughter, a true believer and a virgin. Bollocks! So you say in a ridiculous Christian accent: 'To men of t('cloth! It'll be good seeing you when Lent's over and you've done yoar fasting.' But with your accent and her crumpet chewing she thinks you say: 'Get 'em off! I'll give you over and undone your fastenings.' Next pa'e... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:11:01             2/12 Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 17 You meet a beautiful girl, flirt spectacularly with her at the vicar's tea party when she tells you she's the vicar's daughter, a true believer and a virgin. Bollocks! So you say in a ridiculous Christian accent: 'To Men of th'cloth! It'll be good seeing you when Lent's over and you've done your fasting.' Bdt with your accent and her crumpet chewing she thinks you say: 'Get 'em off! I'll give you a good seeing to when you've leant over and undone your fastenings.' Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:14:40              3/12 Pisces Feb 18-Mar 19 As a HarC of respect to post-Diana spirituality, New Labour has decreed that everyo.e has te mate in t(e -anner of their star sign. Capricorns, the goats, are the lucky ones and Leos, Taurus and Aries aren't too badly off. Th— mind boggles over Geminis (look out twins!), and steer well claar of Cancers (crabs) and Virgos (virgins). But for you Piscean fish men it means casting your seed out - alone - just Next pa'e.,. TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:11:10             3/12 Pisces Feb 18-Mar 19 As a mark of respect to post-Diana spirituality, New Labour has decreed that everyone has to mate in the manner of their star sign. Capricorns, the goats, are the lucCy ones and Leos, Taurus and Aries aren't too badly off. The mind boggles over Geminis (look out twinr!), and steer well clear of Cancers (crabs) and Virgos (virgins). But for you Piscean fish men it means casting your seed out - alone - just liCe normal in fact. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:23:48             4/12 Aries Zar 20- Apr 19 Aries You waSe up with the girl from the Lion Bar advert, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. You spent most of the night crouched in a corner, shit all over the floor, fending her off with a broomsticS. By morning you feel you've accomplished something - she can stand up on her hind hegs and beg when you whistle 'Dixie' - but it's pretty poVr recompense for being scratched to buggery and your penis chewed off. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 2!2 Sat 30 Hay 20815010   WXX            Aries Har 20- Apr 19 Aries You wa+e up with th— girl from the Lion Bar advert, but it's not all it's cracCed up to be. You spent most of t@e night crouc@ed in a corner, shit all over the floor, fending h—r off with a broomstick. By morning you feel you've accomplirhed som—thing - she can stand up on her Hind legs and beg when you whistle 'Dixie' - but it's pretty poor recompense for being scratched to buggery and your penis chewed off. ex— p!'a,-- T$ Ngv £eb 0a'e HIlAda9s
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:00:13               5/12 Taurus Apr 20-May 20 The trees are bosoming (blossoming), the loins are girling (girding) and it's time for a young man's fanny (fancy) to turn to lurve. You see, you can't even read properly without double-entendres cocking up all over the buttOcC! But try not to get your hopes or anything else up prematurely (that'll be a first!). By all that's holy - and that includes Polos, arses and doughnuts - the cosmic vibrations suggest there may be some rumpy-pumpy this month in your bed. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:34:16      @K       6/12 Gemini May 21-Jun 20 The unexpected (except by me) lunge of Jupiter into the innermost tabernacle of Uranus means, that May (and indeed every month 'til the end of time as we know it) is a great time for Geminis who are astronauts, international show-jumpers or endocrinologists. If you are currently none of the above, here's a tip: start training to become one. You'll earn far more money than now and have a far more interesting sex life, despite (or, in some cases, because of the horses). Next pa'e... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:02:36             7/12 Cancer Jun 21-Jul 21 After weeks of study, you try the Astrological Wooing Gambit - ie, using every woman's innate belief in mystic claptrap to get her into bed. So you sidle up to a potential priestess of pleasure and start dropping .uggets of new-age knowledge into her lap. You guess her sign (check her driving licence when she's in the loo) and then tell her what her stone is. You persevere and say that you, too, have more than a interest in scatology - and she leaves! Just your luck to find a sceptic. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:00:20      F  / ).' / B "//a4l x|t—÷'£otht|t x<—      Cancer Jun 21-Jul 21 After weeks of study, you try the AstrMlogical Wooing G!mbit - ie, aring edery woman's iNFate belief in mystic claptrap to get h—r into bed. So you sidle up to a potential priestess of pleasure and start dropping nuggets of .ew-age knowledge into her lap. You guess h—r sign (check (er driving licence w(en she's in the loo) and then tell her what her stone is. You persevere and say that you, too, have Hore than a interest in scatology - and she leaves! Just yoar luck to fAnd a sceptic. Next pa'e... T Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:15:01  ££££££////////V/[n[nnn77W[   0z5ju z5xot <,/ *5pp0?  / -"//a4l x|t—÷'£otht|t x<—        10/12 Libra Sep 21-Oct 23 You're out of yoar head on some blindAng enez—elan weedcracC shit when, for no apparent reason, you wa+e up in the body of a dog on a string. Aaargh! You spend hours at a tube station as your 'mastar' asks fEr mF,ey tF feed yFu, "ut what dkes He spand it on? Not Pal, that's for sure - Special Brew and more weedcrack s(it. Back in the squat so-e bastard hippy Alsation +—eps back's turned and you ha6e to lick the carpet to eat. Next pa'e... T Now eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:43:16             10/12 Libra Sep 21-Oct 23 You're out of your head on some blinding Venezuelan weedcrack shit when, for no apparent reason, you wake up in the body of a dog on a string. Aaargh! You spend hours at a tube station as your 'master' asks for money to feed you, but what does he spend it on? Not Pal, that's for sure - Special Brew and more weedcrack shit. Back in the squat some bastard hippy Alsation keeps trying tO mount you whenever your back's turned and you have to lick the carpet to eat. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:50:11             11/12 Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21 If you're thinking of investing heavily in blue chip companies this month, then don't. The position of the constellations - specifically the arc of Venus the Love Orb through the Anus of Pluto - warns against any financial gambles. If, however, you're thinking of sending me some well-earned beer and fags money, then be my guest! This would not be a gamble, it would be money well spent. And I can guarantee the stars will look favourably on you and your offspring, O AO Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:00:02             12/12 Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 20 Ever noticed how large the number of people in the world is, but how small drugs are? And how the people have to work, and yet the drugs don't work? How unfair is that! These depressing student thoughts (and others like them which for reasons of apathy we can't go into) almost make you want to put tHe Verve on and end it all right here and now. Then you have a momelt of beautiful clarity - you realise that whenever you put the Verve on it ma+es you want to end it all right here and now. Be my guest! Next pa'e... T Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 250 Sat 30 May 208020 2    F[  .+' / ).' / //a4l x|t—.'£othp|t x<—    [   1/12 CapricMp, Dec 21 Jan 19 It U y ave beem sFEet(Ang tM dF with that .ee la'er%bitter* cider drinj kn sp@ciaH Kfdar at —he P—t It Inn last .ight, bdt try as yo— Iight yo— just can't get the phrase 'kick my arq—' ott of your brain. nfMrtunately it starts spilling out of your mouth as well, and a 'kicC my arse' sagn mysteriFusly appears on 9Fur back £Atho—t Yo— kngbing (unless you raad this, of courqe). What comes next? Just desserts... sora jacksie. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20900818        F          1/12 Capricorn Dec 21-Jan 19 It m!y have been something tM do with tHat new la'er%bitter& cider drink on special offer at the Put It Inn last .ight, b—t try as yo— -ight yo— just can't get the phrase 'kick my arse' UnfKrtunately it starts spilling out of your mouth as well, and a '+ick my arse' sign Mysteriously appears on your bacC without you Bnowing (unl—ss you read this, of course). What comes next Just desserts... sora jacCsie. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:12:10  W    K      4/12 Aries Har 20- Apr 18 Aries YE— caRe up cAth t(e 'irl frmm tHe Lion Bar advert, but it's not all it's cracCed up tK be. You spent most of the nig—t crouched in a corner, s(it all over the floor, fending her off wit@ a broomsticC. By morning you feel you've accomplished something she can stand up on Her (ind legs and beg when you whistle 'Dixie' - but it's pretty poor recompe.se for being scratched tK buggery and your penis ch—we— off. Next pa'e... TV Now eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20840810               4/12 Aries Mar 20- Apr 19 the Lion Bar advert, but it's not all it's crac+ed up tm be. You spent most of the .ight crouc(ed in a cor.er, s(it all over the floor, fen$ing her off with a broomsticC. By morning you feel you've accomplished something - she can stand up on her hind legs and beg w(en you whistle 'Dixie' but it's pretty poor recoIpelse fKr being scratc(ed tK buFgery and your pe.is chewed off. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRA O 25 Sat 30 Hay 20:1381       K[   '"o|<    6/12 Gemini Zay 21-Jun 20 The unexpected except by me) lunge Kf Jupitar intF t(e innermost tabernacle of Uranus means, that May (and indeed every month 'til the end of time as we Cnow it) is a great ti-e for Geminis who are astronauts, Anterna$ional show-juHpers or endocrinologists. If you are currently none of the above, here's a tip: start training to become one. You'hl earn far more money than now and have a far more interesting because od tHe horses). Next page.., TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:00:02             8/12 Leo Jul 22-Aug 22 Now is t(e time to start getting twitchy about the approaching World Cup, especially if you haven't got tickets. (That wasn't an astrological prediction that was just a general observation as I like to think myself a student of life as well as of the cosmos.) So anyway, back to the important matter - if you hear about some World Cup tickets going, then beware false profiteerq. But if they turn out tM be genuine and you've got any spares - ta v—ry much. In fact, fuck astrology - lmng live footy! Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays
P252 BRAVO 252 Sat 30 May 20:30:12             9/12 Virgo Aug 23-Sep 21 At the start of the month the stars beam amiably on you from a great height, but by the end they'll be crapping on you from a great height. The same goes for work, friend, cars, tools, car mags and all the other -iserable aspects of your tawdry life - everything dumping on you. You have been warned. So ta+e a trip away from it all for the month. In fact, do us all a favour and try one of those isolation tanks. They really refresh you, honestly, especially if you try breathing underwater. Next page... TV Now 'eb page Holidays